Dear Church,
I love you. I love you a lot. I love what you stand for. I
love the way you reach people. I love that you pour so much into the community.
I love that every lost soul is so important to you. I love the conferences you
put on. I love how each number is an individual and you see them as a person,
and that they have a name and a story. I love how you reach the broken. I love
how you always seek to make the church better. There’s so much I love about
you. Sometimes I love you so much it hurts.
If we’re honest…
I’d give until there was nothing left to give of me.
Sometimes I feel like I’m close to that point. I know the church isn’t here to
serve us; we’re here to serve and reach a lost and broken world. That’s why I
give everything I can. That’s why in the 3 years I’ve been attending here I’ve
only sat in service twice. If I’m not serving its because I’m out of town. It’s
why I’ve worked every conference and why I’ve never thought twice about doing
what I do.
I’m a person who loves to feel needed. It’s why I get my
hand on every piece of technology I can. It’s why I’ll work a conference until
the very end, drive the 30+ minutes home and wake up at 3am for work and then
head right back to church after for the next night of volunteering. The
exhaustion I feel after three nights of only 12 hours sleep combined isn’t a
big deal. I love what I do. I love making an impact. I love it all.
But if we’re honest…
There’s a part of my heart that is hurting. The part of me
that wants to be known. The part that wants forever relationships from church.
The part that doesn’t understand after all the volunteering, and hosting small
group, and being present as much as possible, that I haven’t formed the
community I’ve so desperately wanted. The part that wonders what I’m doing
wrong.
If we’re honest…
I’m not the person you think I am. I’ve heard you say that
us media types are a bit introverted, a little shy, that we like to hide in our
little booth upstairs. I’m not the girl who doesn’t like to speak. I’m not the
girl who doesn’t want to mingle with people. I’m not the girl who doesn’t have
anything to say.
If we’re honest…
You’ll notice I wander downstairs. You’ll notice me standing
awkwardly around not sure who to talk to. You’ll notice I observe just about
everyone in the room. I could tell you who always talks to who, and where in
that lobby you’ll find everyone. I could tell you who belongs in what cliques
and who they prefer to talk to. I know much about the interactions of those in
that room. It’s the only thing I can do because I haven’t quite found where I
can belong, so I watch everyone’s song and dance.
If we’re honest…
I wish you’d just get to know me. Quite a few people could
tell you I work for Starbucks. They could also tell you I love photography and
anything video related. There are probably also several people that know how
much of a football fan I am. But that is just the surface, that’s not reaching
any of the depths of me.
If we’re honest…
I’m loud. So incredibly loud. I’m bubbly and I love to talk!
Talking is one of my favorite things. I’m 100% extroverted. I need people in my
life. I love being around people and making those personal connections. I’m
pretty random and spontaneity is an integral part of me. I have one of the best
laughs ever. Oh I love laughing. I think God really loves this about me too! I
light up when I talk about something I’m passionate about. Life just oozes out
of me. I love making people smile. I love deep conversations and analyzing
things. I love late nights and conversations that never end.
If we’re honest…
I have a messy past. It can sometimes be a bit much for
people and sometimes even me, so I don’t like to talk about it. I’m scared of
rejection and that once people really get to know me, they’ll leave. It makes
me scared to open up too much. Maybe it’s my fault I’m where I am but I also
know I have tried. Maybe I’ve put up too high of walls that no one even wants
to attempt to break down.
If we’re honest…
Only 2 people have tried getting to know me on a personal
level in the 3 years I’ve called this place home. Sure, I get the friendly
greetings but never an honest personal desire to build a relationship. I’ve
started many conversations that fizzle out when someone else walks into the
picture. In all my time standing in that lobby no one come up to me to try and
get to know me better. And yes maybe this is on me, but also, honestly, no one
has thought to try?
If we’re honest…
It sucks. And so many times I just want to give up. So many
times after church I end up crying in my car by myself before God and I have a
heart to heart and I move on. So many times I think I’ll just try harder. So
many times I feel like I can’t break through that dang glass wall. I’m so tired
of pretending I can do everything on my own.
If we’re honest…
I’m just not sure what to do anymore. Part of me wants to
move on. I want to find somewhere where I can connect with people. But part of
me really loves this place and everything I get to do. I feel torn.
If we’re honest…
I’m just not sure how much more my little heart can take.
Beth, this breaks my heart. I hate that you are feeling this way. Don't give up on people. Don't give up on the church.
ReplyDeleteGod has you right were you are for a reason. Instead of running away, I hope you muster up the courage, to be brave and lead a moment right where you are and be the one that stands up and make something extraordinary happen. Love you!