Welcome to 29 Darling

Dear Beth,

Happy 29^th Birthday. Today official starts your last year in your 20’s. How crazy that you are here already. I know today looks different than you imagined it would several years ago. It’s ok. I promise. You may not have the life you thought you would but remember your life is pretty great. Please always remember that.

You may not have the kids and house and the job and the husband. You may not be moving mountains and taking names and the world may not be at your feet right now. But it’s ok. I promise. Remember all the joy you had this last year? Can you see how much you’ve changed? You’re pretty great. Remember that.

Can you remember all the laughter and joy? All the late nights and random adventures? Do you remember the feeling of your heart coming alive? Oh I know that’s your favorite. When everything is so perfect and so joyous that you never want the day to end. And sometimes you succeed in making people stick it out with you. You’re crazy. But it’s awesome.

Do you remember the sad times? The times when the tears wouldn’t stop flowing and how you questioned everything? Do you remember how much it hurt to grow but you never stopped? I know those weren’t your favorite times but darling they were so very important! I don’t tell you this often but you know I’m proud of you.

I’m proud that you always push yourself forward. You don’t give up even when that’s all you want to do. It takes courage to put yourself out there after rejection. It takes incredible faith to believe this time will be different. It takes hope that fail after fail after fail will eventually lead to success. It takes that certain crazy you have to keep laughing and keep moving forward. You’re a special kind of crazy, girl, and even though sometimes I question you I still believe in you. You’re a fighter and believer and a risk-taker.

Remember how hard 27 was? Remember how you thought that after such incredible heartache and defeat and trials that things couldn’t really improve? Remember how much you dreaded 28 and how you didn’t know how you could face another year like that? Remember how you were sure things couldn’t get better and you felt like you lost yourself? And what did you do? You made a plan. You always make plans. You try new ways to get to where you want to go. So with your plan you made a list. Your 28 things to complete when 28.

You knew you wanted more adventure in your life so you went after it. You never stopped darling and that is so beautiful. Remember how you had to start that list off with an adventure on your own? How you thought you were going to fail but you needed to try anyway. Remember that drive to Puyallup? Walking into the fair for the first time and taking everything in. And you did it all by yourself. And you had fun. You may never understand why people like those silly fair scones. You probably won’t understand why most people like most foods but that’s ok. You trusted that your plan was worth while and you lived in the moment.

Do you remember that tear filled conversation in a car in August? How that was the beginning of your first new friendship in years. If only you knew then the adventures that would lead to. See darling never forget that sometimes the sorrow bears the most beautiful fruit. Oh you’ve had so much fun this last year!

You’ve attended a soccer match and football games. You flew to California and had the most jam-packed weekend possible. No seriously, I don’t think you could have done more. There will always be the memories of pizza in the dark and laughing until you cried. Remember the sorrow of a missed trip to the Super Bowl and how you changed that into an epic road trip around the peninsula? Yeah, never forget your ability to improvise and seek joy. You had late nights with friends, ate at a diner, went to the zoo, kayaked with new friends. You sought adventure after adventure. You never stopped.

 

Hawaii was simply amazing. The way the state took your breath away. The laughter and freedom of that trip. You accomplished a life-long dream that week. Remember how nervous you were about possibly failing at surfing. But that first wave. Oh it was magical. And you believed in yourself. That was special. And in Beth fashion you even threw up after! Way to keep things lively. Remember all the love you felt there? It was beautiful.

And as you’ve questioned yourself in the weeks leading up to today I want you to remember all that you’ve done. All that you are. Don’t put your stock in the approval of others. Trust that even if they all fade away that you will still be ok. You don’t need a bandwagon for adventures. You can have an adventure with one or even by yourself. You are pretty great at solo adventures. Please don’t forget that. Don’t let loneliness keep you from experience life. Don’t stop making lists, don’t stop having adventures, don’t stop loving others and forgiving their shortcomings. Don’t stop being you.

And remember that even though this weekend didn’t go as planned that in the end you’ll be alright. Please always remember that friend who sat with you and let you cry and question why, the friend who sent you a prayer, and the one who invited you to hang with her family just a few hours away. Don’t forget those who took the time to show you love because darling you are loved. Even when you don’t feel it, you are loved deeply.

My hope for you in this next year, this last year of your 20’s is that you live more and grow more. I know you have big plans, big dreams, and big hopes. Hold on tight to those and chase them. Chase them, darling, with everything you’ve got. Share, be honest, open up more, take risks, feel deeper, love wider, and embrace everything and everyone with open arms. You might want to deal with that physical touch issue though! Don’t let a number define you, don’t let your job, or your friends, or your status define you. Just live. Just breathe. Jump in feet first. Keep growing. Feel pain. Reap joy. Push forward. Head up. Eyes wide. Heart open.

Welcome to 29. Happy birthday. Remember where you’ve been but look ahead to what’s to come. It’s going to be beautiful.

Love,

       ~ Self

Dry Bones

Staring at my own life I see the disappointments, the failures and shortcomings. I know who I’ve been and I don’t see how I could become more. When faced with obstacles I run and cower. I have felt the hope zapped out of me. I know that I’ve got nothing going for me. I have confidence in the fact that I will mess up; it’s been proven. I’ve been dragged out to the desert on more than one occasion.

My life is the valley of dry bones withered away with no hope of revival. I can see there is nothing left to salvage. It is a lost cause and sometimes its better to know when to quit. Not only are the bones dead but they are so far gone that they have been bleached by the sun.

Just like God’s vision to Ezekiel, He sees something completely different. Where its obvious that we are in the land of the dead, God sees potential. When God and Ezekiel were standing over the valley they saw two completely different things. God saw restoration and an army ready to stand again, where Ezekiel saw the ruminants of death; their current state.

God longs to bring the dead to life. He looks deep into my soul and into yours too and He sees everything we are to become. He sees the life He wants to breathe into us. Where we only have shambles left, God sees a beautiful house full of glory.

In a quiet moment I was questioning everything that had transpired in my life. I was asking God tough questions, questions I wasn’t sure I was going to get the answer to. Why? Why God? Why even create me? Why would you place me here and why did I have to face trials I didn’t think I could bear? Wouldn’t it have been easier to not even create me in the first place? Didn’t you know the life I’d lead and decided that it just wasn’t worth it? Didn’t You know that my heart couldn’t take it?

I wish I could say that God gave me the answers I was looking for. That would have been easy. Instead I cried it all out. I continued to pour my frustrations and anger out. I wept until there wasn’t anything left, and then I wept some more. In fact I cried so hard that it physically hurt. My chest ached and my lungs were on fire. My eyes were burning and my head felt like it was going to explode from all the pressure of bawling. When all was said and done, I had nothing left. I laid it all down before God. He could see all the pieces of me, exposed. He already knew my heart, He knew my hurt but He waited for me to willingly give it to Him. God wants us to trust Him with our pain. Sometimes it’s easier to keep the pain to ourselves. We want to hold on to it because it can be scary to give it up. God was always standing there waiting to take it from me but I had to relinquish it to Him.

I then had to pick myself up and take the next step forward. I couldn’t stay there in the pain, I needed to believe that He would provide the answers I needed. And if I wasn’t going to get those answers I needed to be ok with it. That was one of the hardest parts, not knowing what was coming next but moving forward knowing that there was a next. It was that complete surrender to God’s timing that released my heart. I knew everything wasn’t going to be magically better but I knew as long as I was following God’s lead, He would get me there.

Shortly thereafter I got enjoy one of the best experiences of life. It’s a moment that I’ve only had a few times but they have always been oh so precious. While listening to a worship song the next day I felt the weight of God’s presence. It was palpable in the room and I never wanted the moment to end. I whispered out “This is a Holy moment.” I could feel the breath of God surrounding me. He was so tangible, as if I could physically see Him in that room. He surrounded me and poured into me. I could feel His breath filling my lungs. Breathing new life into me. I was in awe of His personal contact with me. He chose to be with me in that moment, to surround me with all of Him.

He spoke to my heart with such tenderness. Those bones are coming to life. That valley is coming to life. You may not see what I see but trust me. Trust in the one who knit you together. There will be life. It is so beautiful, you just need to believe that it will be done. Know that I won’t leave those bones in a state of death. I have intended life for them. They will rise from the ashes; they will be complete again. I am raising an army and they shall not be defeated. I am for you, I am with you, I will never leave you to fight alone. You must call out to those dry bones. Speak my Words and it will be. Breathe life.

I immediately went to Ezekiel 37 and poured over the verses. I read it and reread it until it was practically memorized. You see God could have called those bones to life at any moment. He has the power to do so and only He knows the life that can become of them. But he spoke to Ezekiel, He asked him to prophecy over the bones. He gave Him the words to say but He worked through Ezekiel. As Ezekiel spoke the words of God, He could hear the bones rattling and saw them come together. But God wasn’t finished. He then told Ezekiel to prophesy to the breath, to have it breathe on the slain so that they may live. Not only did he need to speak to the death but he also had to speak to the life. You can command the death to be no more but for life to be reinstated the breath of God must also be spoken over the death. You cannot have new life without God. It was His words that brought the bones together and it’s His words that brought life back to them.

God has big plans for the death in our lives, for the things we thought could be no more but we need to speak His words over our lives. He is going to restore to me the life He always intended for me and He will do the same for you.

It’s not going to happen over night. It’s a process. Ezekiel prophesied over the bones and breath and we must also speak to the dry bones in our lives. We must immerse ourselves in Scripture and be prepared to speak God’s Word. It’s the most powerful thing we have at our disposal. God wants to use us for greater things, for miracles to unfold, but we must ready ourselves and be willing to let God work in us and through us.

I might only see a valley of dry bones. I can see my disappointments, failures and shortcomings but God sees victory. He sees what is to come in the midst of what is. In my hopelessness and despair He sees an army ready to rise up and take what’s rightfully theirs. It is in Him where I will find my restoration and my strength. My dry bones are coming to life and so can yours.

If We're Honest

Dear Church,

I love you. I love you a lot. I love what you stand for. I love the way you reach people. I love that you pour so much into the community. I love that every lost soul is so important to you. I love the conferences you put on. I love how each number is an individual and you see them as a person, and that they have a name and a story. I love how you reach the broken. I love how you always seek to make the church better. There’s so much I love about you. Sometimes I love you so much it hurts.

If we’re honest…

I’d give until there was nothing left to give of me. Sometimes I feel like I’m close to that point. I know the church isn’t here to serve us; we’re here to serve and reach a lost and broken world. That’s why I give everything I can. That’s why in the 3 years I’ve been attending here I’ve only sat in service twice. If I’m not serving its because I’m out of town. It’s why I’ve worked every conference and why I’ve never thought twice about doing what I do.

I’m a person who loves to feel needed. It’s why I get my hand on every piece of technology I can. It’s why I’ll work a conference until the very end, drive the 30+ minutes home and wake up at 3am for work and then head right back to church after for the next night of volunteering. The exhaustion I feel after three nights of only 12 hours sleep combined isn’t a big deal. I love what I do. I love making an impact. I love it all.

But if we’re honest…

There’s a part of my heart that is hurting. The part of me that wants to be known. The part that wants forever relationships from church. The part that doesn’t understand after all the volunteering, and hosting small group, and being present as much as possible, that I haven’t formed the community I’ve so desperately wanted. The part that wonders what I’m doing wrong.

If we’re honest…

I’m not the person you think I am. I’ve heard you say that us media types are a bit introverted, a little shy, that we like to hide in our little booth upstairs. I’m not the girl who doesn’t like to speak. I’m not the girl who doesn’t want to mingle with people. I’m not the girl who doesn’t have anything to say.

If we’re honest…

You’ll notice I wander downstairs. You’ll notice me standing awkwardly around not sure who to talk to. You’ll notice I observe just about everyone in the room. I could tell you who always talks to who, and where in that lobby you’ll find everyone. I could tell you who belongs in what cliques and who they prefer to talk to. I know much about the interactions of those in that room. It’s the only thing I can do because I haven’t quite found where I can belong, so I watch everyone’s song and dance.

If we’re honest…

I wish you’d just get to know me. Quite a few people could tell you I work for Starbucks. They could also tell you I love photography and anything video related. There are probably also several people that know how much of a football fan I am. But that is just the surface, that’s not reaching any of the depths of me.

If we’re honest…

I’m loud. So incredibly loud. I’m bubbly and I love to talk! Talking is one of my favorite things. I’m 100% extroverted. I need people in my life. I love being around people and making those personal connections. I’m pretty random and spontaneity is an integral part of me. I have one of the best laughs ever. Oh I love laughing. I think God really loves this about me too! I light up when I talk about something I’m passionate about. Life just oozes out of me. I love making people smile. I love deep conversations and analyzing things. I love late nights and conversations that never end.

If we’re honest…

I have a messy past. It can sometimes be a bit much for people and sometimes even me, so I don’t like to talk about it. I’m scared of rejection and that once people really get to know me, they’ll leave. It makes me scared to open up too much. Maybe it’s my fault I’m where I am but I also know I have tried. Maybe I’ve put up too high of walls that no one even wants to attempt to break down.

If we’re honest…

Only 2 people have tried getting to know me on a personal level in the 3 years I’ve called this place home. Sure, I get the friendly greetings but never an honest personal desire to build a relationship. I’ve started many conversations that fizzle out when someone else walks into the picture. In all my time standing in that lobby no one come up to me to try and get to know me better. And yes maybe this is on me, but also, honestly, no one has thought to try?

If we’re honest…

It sucks. And so many times I just want to give up. So many times after church I end up crying in my car by myself before God and I have a heart to heart and I move on. So many times I think I’ll just try harder. So many times I feel like I can’t break through that dang glass wall. I’m so tired of pretending I can do everything on my own.

If we’re honest…

I’m just not sure what to do anymore. Part of me wants to move on. I want to find somewhere where I can connect with people. But part of me really loves this place and everything I get to do. I feel torn.

If we’re honest…
I’m just not sure how much more my little heart can take.